Well, my meds have very definitely built up in my system and I'm finally starting to see some slightly negative side effects/consequences.
The main thing is: CIGARETTES. My God, I want to smoke all the freaking time right now. The thing is, I've always kind of been an off-and-on smoker. The absolute most I ever smoked was maybe a pack every...4-5 days, and those periods always lasted for a couple of months at most. For years now I've been one to keep a pack of cigarettes lying around just in case, because to be honest for whatever reason I like to smoke a cigarette when I'm hungover. It makes me feel better. So sue me. But the past month or so...for the first time in my life I feel the need for a cigarette several times a day. Almost to the point where I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to "quit" if I tried. Ugh.
Secondly, my sleep patterns are screwed the eff up. I used to be in bed by 10:30 and lights out NO later than 11 (and even that was pushing it). For weeks now my bedtime has been getting steadily later and later, to the point where it's rare if I'm in bed with the lights out before midnight...even on weeknights. Which makes getting up at 7 AM for work a bit rough. I thought it was maybe that I was taking my meds too late in the day, but no, I'm not. I take my 20 mg Adderall XR at 9 AM and my 7.5 mg Dexedrine at 3 or 3:15 PM...the same time I've been taking them since I started these meds. I suppose I could take each of them about an hour earlier, but considering I wasn't having trouble relaxing enough to go to bed for the first month and a half that I was taking them, I don't know as if that would really do much good.
Anyway. Enough of my bitching, I suppose. In general I'm still very pleased with my medication (and yes, I will eventually get back to telling my full medication story)...I knew that I'd have to learn to sort of re-balance my life once I started taking meds like this, and I guess now I finally need to buckle down and do so.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
A side note.
I don't like this picture.
Is it supposed to be funny? I mean it doesn't like...make me angry or whatever. But I also don't think it's hilarious. And honestly, it's perpetuating the stereotype that to have ADD/ADHD you must be like that kitten off to the top left...completely not paying attention, being distracted by something silly, while everyone else is paying attention.
I was never like that kitten, and that's why it took so long for me to get diagnosed despite the fact that I show something like 95% of the other ADHD symptoms.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
My Medication Journey, Part 1
Okay. The last time I wrote about my diagnosis I mentioned that it was about time to talk about medication :) Of course I've written before about how I apparently picked the worst time possible to get diagnosed because of the Adderall shortage, as well. Dr. I said that whereas I'd probably do okay on Adderall immediate release (from herein referred to as "Adderall IR"), it was next to impossible to get at the time, and he would prefer me to try Adderall Extended Release (Adderall XR) first anyway. I was pretty much open - the only concerns I had were about Straterra, because numerous people that I know had really bad experiences with it, and Ritalin, because my sister was on that when she was young and didn't care for it.
First Dr. I wrote me a prescription for Adderall XR 5mg, 2 per day. I took it to the pharmacy, where they promptly told me that if I wanted to fill it I would have to pay something ridiculous like $350. Seriously. Because apparently my insurance covers Adderall (or rather, the generic version of it)...but only one XR pill a day. Two IR pills - fine. Two XR pills - not covered. And because of the laws governing prescriptions like this, they couldn't even fill it for just one pill a day so that my insurance would cover it. I had to drive back to Dr. I's office and ask him to rewrite the prescription. He did, but left it at 5 mg, telling me to just up the dosage until I felt a difference and then call for him to write a brand new prescription for the higher number of mg's.
Thankfully this time I had no problem filling the prescription, but let me reflect on this for a moment. I talked to Dr. I and looked all over the internet and apparently it is actually pretty normal for people with ADHD to need more than one XR pill a day. Because when you up the mg's, that just gives you a bigger oomph, but usually has nothing to do with it lasting longer. I called my insurance after filling the prescription to get the details, thinking what happens if this XR doesn't last long enough for me? They told me that I could certainly have Dr. I request that I be allowed to have two XRs a day - have insurance cover it, I mean - but that there was no guarantee that the insurance company would agree.
Awesome.
So there I was, with a bottle of thirty 5mg Adderall XR pills, but it still felt like I had just taken one step back :-/
First Dr. I wrote me a prescription for Adderall XR 5mg, 2 per day. I took it to the pharmacy, where they promptly told me that if I wanted to fill it I would have to pay something ridiculous like $350. Seriously. Because apparently my insurance covers Adderall (or rather, the generic version of it)...but only one XR pill a day. Two IR pills - fine. Two XR pills - not covered. And because of the laws governing prescriptions like this, they couldn't even fill it for just one pill a day so that my insurance would cover it. I had to drive back to Dr. I's office and ask him to rewrite the prescription. He did, but left it at 5 mg, telling me to just up the dosage until I felt a difference and then call for him to write a brand new prescription for the higher number of mg's.
Thankfully this time I had no problem filling the prescription, but let me reflect on this for a moment. I talked to Dr. I and looked all over the internet and apparently it is actually pretty normal for people with ADHD to need more than one XR pill a day. Because when you up the mg's, that just gives you a bigger oomph, but usually has nothing to do with it lasting longer. I called my insurance after filling the prescription to get the details, thinking what happens if this XR doesn't last long enough for me? They told me that I could certainly have Dr. I request that I be allowed to have two XRs a day - have insurance cover it, I mean - but that there was no guarantee that the insurance company would agree.
Awesome.
So there I was, with a bottle of thirty 5mg Adderall XR pills, but it still felt like I had just taken one step back :-/
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I think it's about time for me to explain my blog name. Because it actually goes hand in hand with not only ADHD, but why I've been lax in my posts on here lately.
So. After considering (and checking availability) of a bunch of usernames that involved the terms "ADHD" and "adult" mashed together in a dozen or more different ways, I realized that I had to go a different route. Which is when I decided to use the two ADHD characteristics that simply...fit me best. You see, ADHD really does manifest itself differently in everyone. I absolutely have a good 80% (possibly as much as 90%) of the characteristics, which is why Dr. I was so shocked to find that no one had diagnosed me before now. But the ones that hit home the most for me were impulsivity and hyperfocusing.
So first: Impulsive.
From the ADHD information library: People with ADHD have "impaired motor inhibition" which means that part of ADHD is having great difficulty in keeping yourself from reacting to the things going on around you, difficulty controlling yourself from getting up and seeing what is happening outside, or down the hall. This is one of the distinguishing features of ADHD even into adulthood. This is why people with ADHD are described as "making impulsive decisions" or "failing to think before they act" or "acting without thinking about the consequences."
While *most* of the major decisions I have made in my life have been well thought out and planned (you know, minus that getting married to someone when I was practically still a teenager and hadn't even known him for two years)...I am a very impulsive person. I held on to my virginity until I was just two months shy of 18, then called up my ex boyfriend who I was still in love with one day and said "Let's do this". I have also been known to pick up my life and move 600, 900, 1200 miles away from wherever I was living at the time...and I've lost count of how many times this happened. I wasn't leaving great jobs or anything so it wasn't like I was seriously disrupting my life or the lives of those close to me, hence me not believing these moves were major problem-causing decisions, but they were still all very impulsive. I have dozens of stories like this that I will eventually tell on this blog, but there are a couple of good examples of my impulsive ADHD behaviour.
As for the hyperfocusing - everyone knows that people with ADHD have trouble focusing on things that they find uninteresting and have high levels of distractibility. I'd definitely say that I am IN the ADHD spectrum for these traits, but I'm actually far more prone to the other side of this coin - the hyperfocusing. That being, I am one of those people who focuses "very intently on things that do interest them. At times, the focus is so strong that they become oblivious to the world around them." (from ADDitude)
This is a huge problem in relationships because when you are hyperfocusing on a person, you absolutely lose yourself in that person and your relationship...but eventually the shiny newness wears off and you realize that you have just obsessed over a person who may or may not be right for you...you have focused on that person SO MUCH that you have lost all sense of yourself, of time, of other relationships...it's kind of hard to explain, because most people have lost themselves in a relationship at one point or another - but imagine that feeling and multiply it by a thousand and you have the ADHD version of truly hyperfocusing on someone. And when you hyperfocus on the wrong person, there is no gradually falling out of love/like with him or her...it just happens. You wake up one day and you're done with it, and that's not very nice to the other person because likely you just spent months and months doting on him or her and getting him or her to fall for you big time because you're *just so focused* on that relationship.
And hyperfocusing has really been my issue lately. Not that it never was before - it was, hence me being where I am today. But let's just say that lately I picked up a series of books. There are five of them published and they are all over 700 pages. It took me a month to read them. I have a full-time job and holiday season was upon us, yet I dropped everything to read these books. And then I started devouring fan theory sites, message boards, fan fiction...it was/is never ending. I honestly totally forgot about this blog and actually had to force myself to write the entry that I posted on Christmas Eve.
So there you go - two major ADHD traits and probably two of the most overlooked ADHD traits...yet they were the veritable straws that broke the camels back for me, for me deciding to get help and go on medication.
So. After considering (and checking availability) of a bunch of usernames that involved the terms "ADHD" and "adult" mashed together in a dozen or more different ways, I realized that I had to go a different route. Which is when I decided to use the two ADHD characteristics that simply...fit me best. You see, ADHD really does manifest itself differently in everyone. I absolutely have a good 80% (possibly as much as 90%) of the characteristics, which is why Dr. I was so shocked to find that no one had diagnosed me before now. But the ones that hit home the most for me were impulsivity and hyperfocusing.
So first: Impulsive.
From the ADHD information library: People with ADHD have "impaired motor inhibition" which means that part of ADHD is having great difficulty in keeping yourself from reacting to the things going on around you, difficulty controlling yourself from getting up and seeing what is happening outside, or down the hall. This is one of the distinguishing features of ADHD even into adulthood. This is why people with ADHD are described as "making impulsive decisions" or "failing to think before they act" or "acting without thinking about the consequences."
While *most* of the major decisions I have made in my life have been well thought out and planned (you know, minus that getting married to someone when I was practically still a teenager and hadn't even known him for two years)...I am a very impulsive person. I held on to my virginity until I was just two months shy of 18, then called up my ex boyfriend who I was still in love with one day and said "Let's do this". I have also been known to pick up my life and move 600, 900, 1200 miles away from wherever I was living at the time...and I've lost count of how many times this happened. I wasn't leaving great jobs or anything so it wasn't like I was seriously disrupting my life or the lives of those close to me, hence me not believing these moves were major problem-causing decisions, but they were still all very impulsive. I have dozens of stories like this that I will eventually tell on this blog, but there are a couple of good examples of my impulsive ADHD behaviour.
As for the hyperfocusing - everyone knows that people with ADHD have trouble focusing on things that they find uninteresting and have high levels of distractibility. I'd definitely say that I am IN the ADHD spectrum for these traits, but I'm actually far more prone to the other side of this coin - the hyperfocusing. That being, I am one of those people who focuses "very intently on things that do interest them. At times, the focus is so strong that they become oblivious to the world around them." (from ADDitude)
This is a huge problem in relationships because when you are hyperfocusing on a person, you absolutely lose yourself in that person and your relationship...but eventually the shiny newness wears off and you realize that you have just obsessed over a person who may or may not be right for you...you have focused on that person SO MUCH that you have lost all sense of yourself, of time, of other relationships...it's kind of hard to explain, because most people have lost themselves in a relationship at one point or another - but imagine that feeling and multiply it by a thousand and you have the ADHD version of truly hyperfocusing on someone. And when you hyperfocus on the wrong person, there is no gradually falling out of love/like with him or her...it just happens. You wake up one day and you're done with it, and that's not very nice to the other person because likely you just spent months and months doting on him or her and getting him or her to fall for you big time because you're *just so focused* on that relationship.
And hyperfocusing has really been my issue lately. Not that it never was before - it was, hence me being where I am today. But let's just say that lately I picked up a series of books. There are five of them published and they are all over 700 pages. It took me a month to read them. I have a full-time job and holiday season was upon us, yet I dropped everything to read these books. And then I started devouring fan theory sites, message boards, fan fiction...it was/is never ending. I honestly totally forgot about this blog and actually had to force myself to write the entry that I posted on Christmas Eve.
So there you go - two major ADHD traits and probably two of the most overlooked ADHD traits...yet they were the veritable straws that broke the camels back for me, for me deciding to get help and go on medication.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 6
Phew. I've finally reached the turning point in my diagnosis story, that being my appointment with Dr. I! After about two months of striving to get proper help, he was my last chance. I knew that if he couldn't or wouldn't help me, I would have to give up....because I was running out of patience and money :-/
Thankfully, though the receptionist at Dr. I's office was a bit...well, rude (seriously, what is with doctor's receptionists and their attitudes? they keep just about the easiest hours ever and all they have to do is not be jerks, but they can't even accomplish that)...Dr. I himself was great. We talked about how I'd been trying to find help, about Dr. Shady and his bullshit, about the things I'd discussed with Dr. A. I did have to repeat a lot of what I'd already told both Dr. Shady and Dr. A, but at this point I suppose I was used to having to repeat myself...and after a while Dr. I said that he was glad I'd decided to seek help, because he could see the ADHD tendencies in me - not just in the information I was giving him, but in the way I sat, jittered my leg, moved and wrung my hands...
And then Dr. I pulled out a sheet of paper. "Here is your thousand dollar ADHD assessment," he joked. It was a little questionnaire, on just one side of the paper, maybe 20 questions long at most. In fact, it was very similar to this questionnaire that I had found and taken online prior to my first appointment with Dr. A.
He left me in his office for maybe 5-10 minutes to fill out the "assessment". I answered the questions as truthfully as I could, but to be honest I toned down some of my responses. I didn't want this doctor to think that I was just being ridiculous. But when he returned and reviewed my answers, he still seemed shocked that things for me were...well, as bad as they were. To the point where he told me that the fact that I hadn't been on medication for my ADHD before was "exemplary".
Of course, he doesn't know about how many relationships I've failed because of my hyperfocusing, loss of interest, and cheating. He doesn't know that the only classes I didn't struggle in were the few that I took by choice (in college). He doesn't know that in just the past 7years I've held 11 jobs with 8 different companies and that I've been on the verge of losing my current job for months because I can't focus long enough to get even the simplest tasks done.
For right now, though, all of that is besides the point :) I'll get into those aspects of having ADHD at a later time. At the moment this entry is long enough, and next up I will write about the medication portion of my diagnosis. Hopefully it won't take me another week to find the time to post! The holidays are just such a crazy busy time of year.
Thankfully, though the receptionist at Dr. I's office was a bit...well, rude (seriously, what is with doctor's receptionists and their attitudes? they keep just about the easiest hours ever and all they have to do is not be jerks, but they can't even accomplish that)...Dr. I himself was great. We talked about how I'd been trying to find help, about Dr. Shady and his bullshit, about the things I'd discussed with Dr. A. I did have to repeat a lot of what I'd already told both Dr. Shady and Dr. A, but at this point I suppose I was used to having to repeat myself...and after a while Dr. I said that he was glad I'd decided to seek help, because he could see the ADHD tendencies in me - not just in the information I was giving him, but in the way I sat, jittered my leg, moved and wrung my hands...
And then Dr. I pulled out a sheet of paper. "Here is your thousand dollar ADHD assessment," he joked. It was a little questionnaire, on just one side of the paper, maybe 20 questions long at most. In fact, it was very similar to this questionnaire that I had found and taken online prior to my first appointment with Dr. A.
He left me in his office for maybe 5-10 minutes to fill out the "assessment". I answered the questions as truthfully as I could, but to be honest I toned down some of my responses. I didn't want this doctor to think that I was just being ridiculous. But when he returned and reviewed my answers, he still seemed shocked that things for me were...well, as bad as they were. To the point where he told me that the fact that I hadn't been on medication for my ADHD before was "exemplary".
Of course, he doesn't know about how many relationships I've failed because of my hyperfocusing, loss of interest, and cheating. He doesn't know that the only classes I didn't struggle in were the few that I took by choice (in college). He doesn't know that in just the past 7years I've held 11 jobs with 8 different companies and that I've been on the verge of losing my current job for months because I can't focus long enough to get even the simplest tasks done.
For right now, though, all of that is besides the point :) I'll get into those aspects of having ADHD at a later time. At the moment this entry is long enough, and next up I will write about the medication portion of my diagnosis. Hopefully it won't take me another week to find the time to post! The holidays are just such a crazy busy time of year.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Side Effects...
Oops! I keep meaning to write another entry, another piece to my diagnosis story, but to be honest I've been insanely busy. That, and I've absolutely hyperfocused on something new...a series of books, in fact, and when I'm not reading them I'm on the internet researching them. Silly me.
Anyway, in the past week or so I've really started noticing some side effects from my meds. I knew I would, of course. To be honest sometimes my heart flutters and that troubles me a bit, because it's not something that ever happened before. But the other side effects...well, I'm still deciding how I feel about them.
I know that my meds are appetite suppressants, but I'm a food person. I love it. I eat healthily and I exercise nearly every day, but I'm not a thin person and never really have been. I'm okay with that. So even though I knew that the adderall/dexedrine would lead to me not being hungry as often, I assumed it wouldn't really make a big difference...because I often eat when I'm not hungry. But the thing is, it not only makes me not hungry, I get so focused (on reading a book or doing stuff at work or writing) that I forget to eat. And then when I remember, I eat very little because after a few bites I feel...weird. Not nauseated, but off, unable to eat a full meal. I wasn't really prepared for this and though when I do eat I eat good food, and I take a multivitamin as well...I guess we'll just have to see. I suppose there are worse things than losing a few pounds, and on top of that I probably make up for it on the days when I don't take my meds.
The other side effect is...well, I guess one could say that it's more positive. To be completely honest my sex drive has always been above average (and I'll get into that another time, trust me), but suddenly I am just...well, horny. All the time. I had to ask around a bit to determine that I was right in thinking it was from the meds...because my doctor certainly didn't say anything about them giving my sex drive a boost. So although I don't have any definitive evidence that they are what is causing this sudden uptick, the fact that it started a couple of weeks ago - right around the time my meds were really kicking in, because I'd been on them for a few weeks - and because others who have been on similar medications have said they experienced something like this as well - I'm going with my gut and saying that this is a side effect.
Anyway, now that I've babbled on and on, I'll get on with my day :) And I'll try to write again - sooner this time, and probably the next part of my diagnosis story.
Anyway, in the past week or so I've really started noticing some side effects from my meds. I knew I would, of course. To be honest sometimes my heart flutters and that troubles me a bit, because it's not something that ever happened before. But the other side effects...well, I'm still deciding how I feel about them.
I know that my meds are appetite suppressants, but I'm a food person. I love it. I eat healthily and I exercise nearly every day, but I'm not a thin person and never really have been. I'm okay with that. So even though I knew that the adderall/dexedrine would lead to me not being hungry as often, I assumed it wouldn't really make a big difference...because I often eat when I'm not hungry. But the thing is, it not only makes me not hungry, I get so focused (on reading a book or doing stuff at work or writing) that I forget to eat. And then when I remember, I eat very little because after a few bites I feel...weird. Not nauseated, but off, unable to eat a full meal. I wasn't really prepared for this and though when I do eat I eat good food, and I take a multivitamin as well...I guess we'll just have to see. I suppose there are worse things than losing a few pounds, and on top of that I probably make up for it on the days when I don't take my meds.
The other side effect is...well, I guess one could say that it's more positive. To be completely honest my sex drive has always been above average (and I'll get into that another time, trust me), but suddenly I am just...well, horny. All the time. I had to ask around a bit to determine that I was right in thinking it was from the meds...because my doctor certainly didn't say anything about them giving my sex drive a boost. So although I don't have any definitive evidence that they are what is causing this sudden uptick, the fact that it started a couple of weeks ago - right around the time my meds were really kicking in, because I'd been on them for a few weeks - and because others who have been on similar medications have said they experienced something like this as well - I'm going with my gut and saying that this is a side effect.
Anyway, now that I've babbled on and on, I'll get on with my day :) And I'll try to write again - sooner this time, and probably the next part of my diagnosis story.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 5
Okay.
At this point I've now talked to my general practitioner and two psychologists about my situation, remember? Well, before I left my first appointment with Dr. A she told me that she wanted to refer me to an ADHD specialist. Apparently she hadn't had much experience with ADHD, especially in newly-diagnosed adults, and didn't feel comfortable prescribing meds for it period. Which was probably also why Dr. Shady had wanted to give me some ridiculously expensive computer assessment - he didn't feel comfortable prescribing most ADHD meds and therefore didn't want to have to shoulder that responsibility on his own. Of course, instead of telling me as much and referring me to someone else, he robbed me of $150 and then tried to convince me to come back!
Anyway.
Dr. A scheduled our next appointment for two weeks from that day and told me she would be referring me to Dr. I. She knew he was in my insurance network and said that his office would contact me. I honestly got a bit nervous that something else had gone wrong when I didn't hear from Dr. I that week - but 6 days after my appointment with Dr. A I finally got a call and set up an appointment. Unfortunately the first opening they had was in November :-/ Thankfully Dr. A was still helpful - I went to my second appointment with her, she made sure they'd contacted me, and after our talk she gave me some "exercises" to try. Basically she wanted me to be able to sit and do 20 minutes of work without stopping, breaking, getting distracted. I knew that usually I could rarely do even 10 minutes without one of those things happening, but I promised to try. I did try. I even succeeded a few times. But far more often...I didn't succeed. I honestly felt like crap when I returned to Dr. A for my third appointment, but she didn't seem very surprised that it had been difficult for me to accomplish that 20 minute goal on a regular basis.
"You don't need therapy, per se," she admitted. "I think that you're ready to take medication for your ADHD and Dr. I will be able to help you with that. If you feel the need to talk to someone, you can always come see me - but if not, this is where we part ways. I'm sure you'll like Dr. I, though."
Yes I felt a bit...abandoned, when she told me this. I know that it was silly to feel this way - I'd only sat with her three times, after all. And I knew that I had to go see Dr. I if I really wanted to figure this ADHD thing out. But Dr. A was the first truly helpful person I'd encountered in this journey, so yes - until I met Dr. I, I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to completely move on and not see Dr. A at all.
At this point I've now talked to my general practitioner and two psychologists about my situation, remember? Well, before I left my first appointment with Dr. A she told me that she wanted to refer me to an ADHD specialist. Apparently she hadn't had much experience with ADHD, especially in newly-diagnosed adults, and didn't feel comfortable prescribing meds for it period. Which was probably also why Dr. Shady had wanted to give me some ridiculously expensive computer assessment - he didn't feel comfortable prescribing most ADHD meds and therefore didn't want to have to shoulder that responsibility on his own. Of course, instead of telling me as much and referring me to someone else, he robbed me of $150 and then tried to convince me to come back!
Anyway.
Dr. A scheduled our next appointment for two weeks from that day and told me she would be referring me to Dr. I. She knew he was in my insurance network and said that his office would contact me. I honestly got a bit nervous that something else had gone wrong when I didn't hear from Dr. I that week - but 6 days after my appointment with Dr. A I finally got a call and set up an appointment. Unfortunately the first opening they had was in November :-/ Thankfully Dr. A was still helpful - I went to my second appointment with her, she made sure they'd contacted me, and after our talk she gave me some "exercises" to try. Basically she wanted me to be able to sit and do 20 minutes of work without stopping, breaking, getting distracted. I knew that usually I could rarely do even 10 minutes without one of those things happening, but I promised to try. I did try. I even succeeded a few times. But far more often...I didn't succeed. I honestly felt like crap when I returned to Dr. A for my third appointment, but she didn't seem very surprised that it had been difficult for me to accomplish that 20 minute goal on a regular basis.
"You don't need therapy, per se," she admitted. "I think that you're ready to take medication for your ADHD and Dr. I will be able to help you with that. If you feel the need to talk to someone, you can always come see me - but if not, this is where we part ways. I'm sure you'll like Dr. I, though."
Yes I felt a bit...abandoned, when she told me this. I know that it was silly to feel this way - I'd only sat with her three times, after all. And I knew that I had to go see Dr. I if I really wanted to figure this ADHD thing out. But Dr. A was the first truly helpful person I'd encountered in this journey, so yes - until I met Dr. I, I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to completely move on and not see Dr. A at all.
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