My Diagnosis Story, Part 4

So, back to the subject at hand :)


After the disastrous appointment with the psychologist from here on in referred to as Dr. Shady, it literally took me weeks to decide that I was ready to try again. I still wasn't quite happy with my doctor, as immediately after that appointment we had played phone tag and there had been little to no effort on her part to explain the situation to me or help me find another psychologist. Finally, I took matters into my own hands - I called my insurance company and had them send me a list of local psychologists in my network. Thankfully, I got lucky - the first name I picked was a counselor just minutes from my house, she answered, she discussed how her office and insurance policies worked, and I was able to make an appointment for the following week. To be honest, if I'd known I could do that I would have done so from the start! But my general practitioner had in fact acted as if I'd need a referral. Hmph.

We'll call this second psychologist Dr. A. Though she seemed a bit confused as to why a possible patient was calling her directly, when I explained that I was having trouble getting my doctor's office to do the work for me she was really nice about, well, everything. I walked into my first appointment and she had me fill out the usual paperwork about mine and my immediate family's mental health history. I was very clear that I was having trouble concentrating, that I couldn't focus on anything (even hobbies I'd once found fun), and I even mentioned the one bit of decent information I'd received from Dr. Shady - my impulsive decisions and how they'd always been an issue but had lately become far worse.

So we talked about work, about the fact that I could tell my boss has been frustrated with me. We talked about my last-minute vacations and how they affected my finances and my relationship with my husband. We talked about the fact that I would obsess over a new hobby - playing the guitar, for instance, or knitting - for a few months and then drop it,  never to pick it up again. We talked about anxiety and whether I had trouble sleeping, and we talked about depression and how I've never really struggled with any long-term or debilitating symptoms of it.

And at the end of our conversation, she asked me how I'd never been assessed for ADHD before.

And suddenly - finally - it felt as if I was getting somewhere.

Let's take a segue.

When I last wrote, I was giving another piece of my ADHD diagnosis story. Unfortunately...that portion of my story wasn't very positive. At all. Which leads me to this segue - the abuse of ADHD medication, specifically Adderall. I decided it was necessary to reflect on this issue because undoubtedly the abuse of this drug is part of the reason why it's so difficult to obtain it even when you truly need it.

Personally, I don't get why people feel that it's necessary to take Adderall recreationally. I don't mean to sound all high and mighty, but until recently I'd never tried the stuff nor had the desire to do so...though it had been offered to me numerous times over the years. I definitely have friends who took it in college to study all night for a midterm or final. I have friends who took it so that they could drive long distances without feeling sleepy. And I have friends who outright abused it - by either snorting it or simply using it to stay up and party.

Still, how is that a handful of people abusing this drug makes it so that people who truly need it have to jump through hoops and sometimes even take $1,000 tests in order to get some help? Spend an hour in a room with me when I'm not on this medication and you will know that it's something I need. In fact, the other day my husband admitted that he's known for years that I have ADHD (having had experience with it in his family and whatnot) but didn't want to insist that I get help - he knew it was a conclusion I'd have to come to (or not) in my own time.

That said, another friend of mine admitted that she also ran into that "$1,000 test/assessment" road block when trying to find out if she had ADHD...and that's just an exorbitant amount of money to toss out for an issue that may or may not be there, simply so you can get a negligible prescription that few people in their late 20s/early 30s would be stupid enough to abuse or sell.

I guess the question is...is there a way to fix this broken system? Because if you've read my first few entries, you already know the first couple of hoops I had to jump through to get a diagnosis...and I'm not even halfway done writing about the two-ish months I sloughed through to get to where I am today.

My Diagnosis Story, Part 3

Unfortunately, my finding a psychologist to work with was far more difficult than it should have been. My doctor did refer me to at least one office, and that office contacted me without ever responding to my doctor. They insisted that I needed to make an appointment immediately because they "had an unexpected opening" and didn't know how long I'd have to wait if I didn't take it. They had my information from my doctor, so I blindly trusted them.

That was stupid.

As it turned out, this office was not in my insurance network. Or any insurance network, for that matter, which is probably why they are so underhanded about grasping at new clients. Because they had never responded to my doctor's office, she had no idea that they weren't in network. And the psychologist conveniently didn't mention this to me, either - until 55 minutes into an hour-long appointment. Oh yeah, and they made me pay $150 for this appointment before I could leave. Not to mention the fact that the psychologist I saw outright told me that I exhibited many strong symptoms of ADHD - some, like impulsive decision making, I hadn't even thought of before - but that he couldn't diagnose me without giving me a $1,000 test. Which likely wouldn't be covered by my insurance, or if it was, I'd still be looking at $400-600 out of pocket.

Obviously I don't have that kind of money for some ADHD test. Who does, nowadays?

Beyond that, he said that he really thought I would benefit from seeing a psychologist regularly, even if I had ADHD. Which is all fine and good, but not for $150 an hour! That's about an inch short of rape, in my opinion. And when I called my insurance company to put in the claim later that day, and found out that I wouldn't get a penny of that first $150 back because the practice was out of network, I cried. That's right, I'm nearly 30 years old and I cried. Because $150 isn't chump change and I'd literally just thrown it away.

I was also angry. Angry at this psychologist and the office in general, for being so underhanded. Angry with my doctor as well, until I found out that the psychologist's office had ignored her request for them to reply to her referral before contacting me.

So angry that I began to wonder if I even cared anymore that I had a problem.

So angry that I remembered my distrust of doctors in general and felt sick over the fact that I'd even bothered trying to get help.

So angry that I began having serious second thoughts about going through with this, any of it.

My Diagnosis Story, Part 2

Things became really difficult the past 6 months or so. Obviously I've always had the same general issues, but it's different when you're working and when you're taking classes you're actually interested in. And of course there's that whole pesky matter of me never staying in the same position for more than a year. But suddenly I had a great job with a good company and three years flew by.

Once I was comfortable, that was when things changed. When I realized that I couldn't focus on tasks for more than 15 minutes. That I didn't even want to bother with hobbies I'd picked up because I knew I'd never spend enough time on them to make them worthwhile. This poison spread from my work life to my personal life like wildfire and I was unable to stop it...but I also didn't know what to do about it.

In September I decided to change doctors. I'd never liked my current physician and figured it was about time for a change. This meant going through the usual "meet and greet" where I'm charged $30 to tell the new doc that I'm perfectly healthy, thank you, I just needed a change. But then at the end of the appointment she asked, "Do you have any concerns?"

At first I opened my mouth to say "No," but then I thought, Why not say something? So I did. I told her that I'd been having trouble concentrating. That I never finished, well, anything. That it was affecting both my job and my home life in a negative manner. I didn't expect her to offer some immediate, perfect solution, but I also didn't expect her to be so questioning. Was I sure I wasn't depressed? Was I sure it wasn't an anxiety issue? I explained that I definitely wasn't depressed, and that I was pretty sure any anxiety I had stemmed from the fact that, well, I never finished anything and had been catching flak at work for not getting things done in a timely manner. Blah blah blah.

"I'm loathe to prescribe you anything," she admitted. "That's a big first step. I think you should see a psychologist." Now, I had expected that she wouldn't immediately be able to prescribe some magic medicine that would fix me, but I know people with ADHD and I was taking an educated guess that my issues stemmed from that. Still, seeing a psychologist certainly couldn't hurt, so I agreed to let her refer me...and then I sat back and waited.

My Diagnosis Story, Part 1

Let's get one thing straight - I've seen counselors (licensed counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists) at numerous points in my life. The first time was back in high school, at the beginning of my senior year; after that there were brief times in early 2002 (my mom insisted because of some family troubles), late 2005 (my ex-husband insisted because I wanted couples counseling and he refused), and late 2006 (oh hey, ex-husband finally actually agreed to marriage counseling! obviously it didn't go over so well). The thing is, these counselors were constantly trying to throw anti-depressants at me...even when I told them that I wasn't depressed.

And I really wasn't depressed. I've had some rough times, times when I couldn't sleep or didn't want to get out of bed or just felt heartbroken and sad. But these times always corresponded with fleeting life issues, and now that I look back I really can't understand how anyone got "you're depressed" from me saying "I feel like there are a million things going on in my head, I can't focus on any one of them...I pick up hobbies and drop them a few months later because I just don't see the point" etc. I'm not saying that statements like that should have immediately pointed to ADHD, but the fact that the only solution any of these counselors ever had was "I think you're depressed, why don't you take some medication for that?" kind of, well, bothers me. Makes me feel as if they weren't listening, after all.

Now you may ask why I saw so many different counselors over the years and never tried to return to the same one. Well, the counselor I saw in high school was in fact a school counselor, so that's self-explanatory. But after that, I moved around a lot. I never really stayed in one place long enough to build a rapport with a counselor and I will admit that that was probably part of my problem. Of course, it was also a huge part of my figuring out the solution.

But I'll get into that more, later.

The Great Adderall Shortage of 2011

Of course it's just my luck that within a month of being diagnosed with ADHD, the Adderall shortage hit my area and hit it hard. I was going to wait to talk about my medication options, and I will eventually go into more detail - but for now my issue is that my doctor can't prescribe me regular Adderall, because there is none. And Adderall XR is getting more and more difficult to find as well. Searches reveal that this shortage could last until January; I saw one that even mentioned May! What's maddening is that my sister was on Ritalin for half her life and hated it, which is why my doctor wanted me to try Adderall first...only because of this shortage I may be forced to look into other options.

The most annoying thing about this shortage is that I can't find an explanation for it. One random article had a quote from a doctor saying that it's because more people are on the drug, but I don't really think that's the case because I'll tell you this - most doctors make it a pain in the ass to get diagnosed with ADHD (and for good reason, considering the types of medication they prescribe and how many people sell and/or abuse them). Another article mentioned that it had something to do with the amount of Adderall the FDA allowed the drug companies to produce and how it simply wasn't enough, and that this shortage has been a long time coming.

I'll tell you this much - I took the steps to get diagnosed because I was seriously concerned about losing my job. A job I've held longer than any previous job. It's just a bit frustrating (note sarcasm) that as soon as I give in and go for help, help through medication basically stops being available. And I really don't care who caused it - the FDA, the drug companies, the insurance companies, or  more likely a combination of all three - I just have to say: FIX IT.

Soon.

Please.

Introduction

You don't know who I am and you probably never will...but maybe that's okay, because half the time I don't know who I am either.

I'm going to call myself Grace and I will tell you that I'm in my late 20s. I was recently - very recently - diagnosed with ADHD.

I have to say, I was as shocked as my mother was when I shared this information with her. Incredulous, even. And why not? I'm far more level-headed and settled than most of my family, which would say a lot except that even those close to me don't know how not level headed and settled I am.

This diagnosis was both frightening and relieving. Frightening because I have never taken any kind of medication outside of the usual OTC stuff and antibiotics prescribed for colds and the like. Relieving because holy crap, there is an explanation for so much of what I have never understood about myself!

Thus begins my journey - to find a balance between who I am, who I want to be, and how a combination of medication and self-control can get me there. On this blog I plan to explore my past and how this diagnosis explains some of what I've experienced and some of the decisions I've made throughout my life.

So if you're okay with not knowing who I really am, stick around. It's going to be a bumpy but exhilarating ride ;)