Phew. I've finally reached the turning point in my diagnosis story, that being my appointment with Dr. I! After about two months of striving to get proper help, he was my last chance. I knew that if he couldn't or wouldn't help me, I would have to give up....because I was running out of patience and money :-/
Thankfully, though the receptionist at Dr. I's office was a bit...well, rude (seriously, what is with doctor's receptionists and their attitudes? they keep just about the easiest hours ever and all they have to do is not be jerks, but they can't even accomplish that)...Dr. I himself was great. We talked about how I'd been trying to find help, about Dr. Shady and his bullshit, about the things I'd discussed with Dr. A. I did have to repeat a lot of what I'd already told both Dr. Shady and Dr. A, but at this point I suppose I was used to having to repeat myself...and after a while Dr. I said that he was glad I'd decided to seek help, because he could see the ADHD tendencies in me - not just in the information I was giving him, but in the way I sat, jittered my leg, moved and wrung my hands...
And then Dr. I pulled out a sheet of paper. "Here is your thousand dollar ADHD assessment," he joked. It was a little questionnaire, on just one side of the paper, maybe 20 questions long at most. In fact, it was very similar to this questionnaire that I had found and taken online prior to my first appointment with Dr. A.
He left me in his office for maybe 5-10 minutes to fill out the "assessment". I answered the questions as truthfully as I could, but to be honest I toned down some of my responses. I didn't want this doctor to think that I was just being ridiculous. But when he returned and reviewed my answers, he still seemed shocked that things for me were...well, as bad as they were. To the point where he told me that the fact that I hadn't been on medication for my ADHD before was "exemplary".
Of course, he doesn't know about how many relationships I've failed because of my hyperfocusing, loss of interest, and cheating. He doesn't know that the only classes I didn't struggle in were the few that I took by choice (in college). He doesn't know that in just the past 7years I've held 11 jobs with 8 different companies and that I've been on the verge of losing my current job for months because I can't focus long enough to get even the simplest tasks done.
For right now, though, all of that is besides the point :) I'll get into those aspects of having ADHD at a later time. At the moment this entry is long enough, and next up I will write about the medication portion of my diagnosis. Hopefully it won't take me another week to find the time to post! The holidays are just such a crazy busy time of year.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Side Effects...
Oops! I keep meaning to write another entry, another piece to my diagnosis story, but to be honest I've been insanely busy. That, and I've absolutely hyperfocused on something new...a series of books, in fact, and when I'm not reading them I'm on the internet researching them. Silly me.
Anyway, in the past week or so I've really started noticing some side effects from my meds. I knew I would, of course. To be honest sometimes my heart flutters and that troubles me a bit, because it's not something that ever happened before. But the other side effects...well, I'm still deciding how I feel about them.
I know that my meds are appetite suppressants, but I'm a food person. I love it. I eat healthily and I exercise nearly every day, but I'm not a thin person and never really have been. I'm okay with that. So even though I knew that the adderall/dexedrine would lead to me not being hungry as often, I assumed it wouldn't really make a big difference...because I often eat when I'm not hungry. But the thing is, it not only makes me not hungry, I get so focused (on reading a book or doing stuff at work or writing) that I forget to eat. And then when I remember, I eat very little because after a few bites I feel...weird. Not nauseated, but off, unable to eat a full meal. I wasn't really prepared for this and though when I do eat I eat good food, and I take a multivitamin as well...I guess we'll just have to see. I suppose there are worse things than losing a few pounds, and on top of that I probably make up for it on the days when I don't take my meds.
The other side effect is...well, I guess one could say that it's more positive. To be completely honest my sex drive has always been above average (and I'll get into that another time, trust me), but suddenly I am just...well, horny. All the time. I had to ask around a bit to determine that I was right in thinking it was from the meds...because my doctor certainly didn't say anything about them giving my sex drive a boost. So although I don't have any definitive evidence that they are what is causing this sudden uptick, the fact that it started a couple of weeks ago - right around the time my meds were really kicking in, because I'd been on them for a few weeks - and because others who have been on similar medications have said they experienced something like this as well - I'm going with my gut and saying that this is a side effect.
Anyway, now that I've babbled on and on, I'll get on with my day :) And I'll try to write again - sooner this time, and probably the next part of my diagnosis story.
Anyway, in the past week or so I've really started noticing some side effects from my meds. I knew I would, of course. To be honest sometimes my heart flutters and that troubles me a bit, because it's not something that ever happened before. But the other side effects...well, I'm still deciding how I feel about them.
I know that my meds are appetite suppressants, but I'm a food person. I love it. I eat healthily and I exercise nearly every day, but I'm not a thin person and never really have been. I'm okay with that. So even though I knew that the adderall/dexedrine would lead to me not being hungry as often, I assumed it wouldn't really make a big difference...because I often eat when I'm not hungry. But the thing is, it not only makes me not hungry, I get so focused (on reading a book or doing stuff at work or writing) that I forget to eat. And then when I remember, I eat very little because after a few bites I feel...weird. Not nauseated, but off, unable to eat a full meal. I wasn't really prepared for this and though when I do eat I eat good food, and I take a multivitamin as well...I guess we'll just have to see. I suppose there are worse things than losing a few pounds, and on top of that I probably make up for it on the days when I don't take my meds.
The other side effect is...well, I guess one could say that it's more positive. To be completely honest my sex drive has always been above average (and I'll get into that another time, trust me), but suddenly I am just...well, horny. All the time. I had to ask around a bit to determine that I was right in thinking it was from the meds...because my doctor certainly didn't say anything about them giving my sex drive a boost. So although I don't have any definitive evidence that they are what is causing this sudden uptick, the fact that it started a couple of weeks ago - right around the time my meds were really kicking in, because I'd been on them for a few weeks - and because others who have been on similar medications have said they experienced something like this as well - I'm going with my gut and saying that this is a side effect.
Anyway, now that I've babbled on and on, I'll get on with my day :) And I'll try to write again - sooner this time, and probably the next part of my diagnosis story.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 5
Okay.
At this point I've now talked to my general practitioner and two psychologists about my situation, remember? Well, before I left my first appointment with Dr. A she told me that she wanted to refer me to an ADHD specialist. Apparently she hadn't had much experience with ADHD, especially in newly-diagnosed adults, and didn't feel comfortable prescribing meds for it period. Which was probably also why Dr. Shady had wanted to give me some ridiculously expensive computer assessment - he didn't feel comfortable prescribing most ADHD meds and therefore didn't want to have to shoulder that responsibility on his own. Of course, instead of telling me as much and referring me to someone else, he robbed me of $150 and then tried to convince me to come back!
Anyway.
Dr. A scheduled our next appointment for two weeks from that day and told me she would be referring me to Dr. I. She knew he was in my insurance network and said that his office would contact me. I honestly got a bit nervous that something else had gone wrong when I didn't hear from Dr. I that week - but 6 days after my appointment with Dr. A I finally got a call and set up an appointment. Unfortunately the first opening they had was in November :-/ Thankfully Dr. A was still helpful - I went to my second appointment with her, she made sure they'd contacted me, and after our talk she gave me some "exercises" to try. Basically she wanted me to be able to sit and do 20 minutes of work without stopping, breaking, getting distracted. I knew that usually I could rarely do even 10 minutes without one of those things happening, but I promised to try. I did try. I even succeeded a few times. But far more often...I didn't succeed. I honestly felt like crap when I returned to Dr. A for my third appointment, but she didn't seem very surprised that it had been difficult for me to accomplish that 20 minute goal on a regular basis.
"You don't need therapy, per se," she admitted. "I think that you're ready to take medication for your ADHD and Dr. I will be able to help you with that. If you feel the need to talk to someone, you can always come see me - but if not, this is where we part ways. I'm sure you'll like Dr. I, though."
Yes I felt a bit...abandoned, when she told me this. I know that it was silly to feel this way - I'd only sat with her three times, after all. And I knew that I had to go see Dr. I if I really wanted to figure this ADHD thing out. But Dr. A was the first truly helpful person I'd encountered in this journey, so yes - until I met Dr. I, I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to completely move on and not see Dr. A at all.
At this point I've now talked to my general practitioner and two psychologists about my situation, remember? Well, before I left my first appointment with Dr. A she told me that she wanted to refer me to an ADHD specialist. Apparently she hadn't had much experience with ADHD, especially in newly-diagnosed adults, and didn't feel comfortable prescribing meds for it period. Which was probably also why Dr. Shady had wanted to give me some ridiculously expensive computer assessment - he didn't feel comfortable prescribing most ADHD meds and therefore didn't want to have to shoulder that responsibility on his own. Of course, instead of telling me as much and referring me to someone else, he robbed me of $150 and then tried to convince me to come back!
Anyway.
Dr. A scheduled our next appointment for two weeks from that day and told me she would be referring me to Dr. I. She knew he was in my insurance network and said that his office would contact me. I honestly got a bit nervous that something else had gone wrong when I didn't hear from Dr. I that week - but 6 days after my appointment with Dr. A I finally got a call and set up an appointment. Unfortunately the first opening they had was in November :-/ Thankfully Dr. A was still helpful - I went to my second appointment with her, she made sure they'd contacted me, and after our talk she gave me some "exercises" to try. Basically she wanted me to be able to sit and do 20 minutes of work without stopping, breaking, getting distracted. I knew that usually I could rarely do even 10 minutes without one of those things happening, but I promised to try. I did try. I even succeeded a few times. But far more often...I didn't succeed. I honestly felt like crap when I returned to Dr. A for my third appointment, but she didn't seem very surprised that it had been difficult for me to accomplish that 20 minute goal on a regular basis.
"You don't need therapy, per se," she admitted. "I think that you're ready to take medication for your ADHD and Dr. I will be able to help you with that. If you feel the need to talk to someone, you can always come see me - but if not, this is where we part ways. I'm sure you'll like Dr. I, though."
Yes I felt a bit...abandoned, when she told me this. I know that it was silly to feel this way - I'd only sat with her three times, after all. And I knew that I had to go see Dr. I if I really wanted to figure this ADHD thing out. But Dr. A was the first truly helpful person I'd encountered in this journey, so yes - until I met Dr. I, I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to completely move on and not see Dr. A at all.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wait a minute...what am I taking?
Another quick break in my diagnosis story, because I had my follow up appointment for my meds this week and I left it a bit...confused. As it was supposed to be a short appointment and I didn't want to sound like I was just asking a bunch of inane questions, I decided to do my own (read: Google) research on the meds that have currently been prescribed to me.
What confused me is that my current doctor - we'll call him Dr. I - told me he was prescribing "Adderall XR" when the label on my bottle says something like (sorry, don't have it with me at the moment) "Dext-phetamine SR". I get that "SR" and "XR" both mean extended release, but the generic versions of Adderall I've seen in the past have all been "Amphetamine Salts". Of course, my prescription said "Adderall XR, generics OK" so the obvious conclusion is that Dext-amphetamine SR is simply another name for generic Adderall. Got it.
At this appointment I explained that I was okay with the current medication and dosage, except for the fact that it never seemed to last longer than 6 or 7 hours (and this seemed to depend on how much I ate after taking it). Obviously I don't have a 6 or 7 hour work day, so this was posing a slight problem when 3 PM-ish came around and it suddenly felt as if I'd hit a brick wall. I was honest worried that this was an issue with me personally, but thankfully Dr. I admitted that the extended release seems to have extremely varied results. For some people it lasts 4 hours; for others, 8 or 9 or even more. Some doctors will apparently prescribe two doses of extended release meds a day, but Dr. I said he doesn't like to do that. "Normally my first reaction would be to prescribe a small amount of instant release Adderall," he told me, "but as that's going to be nearly impossible to find until at least January, I think your best bet would be Dexedrine - which is just the instant release version of what you're already prescribed."
This is where I started to get a bit confused. If I was taking what is supposedly the generic form of Adderall XR, and "Dexedrine" is the instant release version of the extended release pills I'm taking...how is it different from instant release Adderall??? Why is there such a problem/shortage of IR Adderall if Dexedrine is the same exact thing?
Since I simply didn't have time to ask Dr. I the million and one questions racing through my brain, I took the first free moments I had and did a little reading online. I found the following descriptions of the "differences" between Adderall and Dexedrine:
From Wikipedia, "In the United States, an instant release tablet preparation of the salt dextroamphetamine sulfate is available under the brand names Dexedrine and Dextrostat, in 5 mg and 10 mg strengths, and as a capsule preparation of controlled release dextroamphetamine sulfate, under the brand names Dexedrine SR and Dexedrine Spansule, in the strengths of 5 mg, 10 mg, and 15 mg."
On the other hand, "Another pharmaceutical that contains dextroamphetamine is Adderall. The drug formulation of Adderall (both controlled and instant release forms) is:
An experiment with rats suggested Adderall’s inclusion of levoamphetamine provides the pharmaceutical with a quicker onset and longer clinical effect compared to pharmaceuticals exclusively formulated of dextroamphetamine. One study has shown that although the human brain usually has a preference for dextroamphetamine over levoamphetamine, certain children have a better clinical response to levoamphetamine.
Amphetamine exists as two stereoisomers that differ in effects. The l- enantiomer (levoamphetamine) produces more cardiovascular and peripheral effects than the d- enantiomer (dextroamphetamine). At low doses, levoamphetamine produces greater arousal than dextroamphetamine, acting primarily on norepinephrine. At higher doses, dextroamphetamine has stimulant properties that are three to four times as potent as those of levoamphetamine, and acts primarily on dopamine, although few clinical studies of ADHD, have documented differences among d-, l- and racemic amphetamine."
From a Yahoo Answers response by someone who is obviously well-versed in these drugs: "Difference in effect: Adderall is prescribed in approximately twice the dosage of Dexedrine. A 10mg pill of Adderall contains 2.5mg of Dexedrine but has similar effect as 5mg of Dexedrine. Due to the 4 different salts and increased dosage needed, Adderall is more likely to give side effects than Dexedrine. These side effects include increased heart rate, blood pressure, decreased appetite, inability to sleep, muscle tightness, and head ache. Ritalin is a another story and usually falls in between the other two as far as side effects go however, many parents and patients report a withdrawn effect from Ritalin that goes beyond it just being effective. Dexedrine also slightly acts positively on serotonin and can increase mood where as Adderall can make people more moody."
Other information I came across made connotations about Dexedrine having a more negative stigma than Adderall, because it is pure dextroamphetamine. One person made a comment that dosages were actually the same (i.e. 15 mg Dexedrine is the same as 15 mg Adderall) but that doesn't seem to coincide with the fact that Adderall contains less dextroamphetamine...I'm inclined to believe Mr. Yahoo Answers up there regarding Dexedrine being needed in smaller doses. Regardless...at least I'm now a bit more informed about what I'm putting into my body. Previously all of my research had been on Focalin/Ritalin, Vyvanse, Strattera, and Adderall...I had no idea that Dexedrine existed. But it does, and it's decidedly not the same thing as any of the above drugs.
Of course one last problem remains...why would Dr. I be able to prescribe me Adderall XR (despite the shortage, because according to the interwebz all Adderall is hard to find at the mo) and have me receive the generic, which is Dextroamphetamine and therefore must actually be the generic of Dexedrine XR...but then have to prescribe me Dexedrine as an instant release? I don't know. I guess I'm just stupidly confused :-/
What confused me is that my current doctor - we'll call him Dr. I - told me he was prescribing "Adderall XR" when the label on my bottle says something like (sorry, don't have it with me at the moment) "Dext-phetamine SR". I get that "SR" and "XR" both mean extended release, but the generic versions of Adderall I've seen in the past have all been "Amphetamine Salts". Of course, my prescription said "Adderall XR, generics OK" so the obvious conclusion is that Dext-amphetamine SR is simply another name for generic Adderall. Got it.
At this appointment I explained that I was okay with the current medication and dosage, except for the fact that it never seemed to last longer than 6 or 7 hours (and this seemed to depend on how much I ate after taking it). Obviously I don't have a 6 or 7 hour work day, so this was posing a slight problem when 3 PM-ish came around and it suddenly felt as if I'd hit a brick wall. I was honest worried that this was an issue with me personally, but thankfully Dr. I admitted that the extended release seems to have extremely varied results. For some people it lasts 4 hours; for others, 8 or 9 or even more. Some doctors will apparently prescribe two doses of extended release meds a day, but Dr. I said he doesn't like to do that. "Normally my first reaction would be to prescribe a small amount of instant release Adderall," he told me, "but as that's going to be nearly impossible to find until at least January, I think your best bet would be Dexedrine - which is just the instant release version of what you're already prescribed."
This is where I started to get a bit confused. If I was taking what is supposedly the generic form of Adderall XR, and "Dexedrine" is the instant release version of the extended release pills I'm taking...how is it different from instant release Adderall??? Why is there such a problem/shortage of IR Adderall if Dexedrine is the same exact thing?
Since I simply didn't have time to ask Dr. I the million and one questions racing through my brain, I took the first free moments I had and did a little reading online. I found the following descriptions of the "differences" between Adderall and Dexedrine:
From Wikipedia, "In the United States, an instant release tablet preparation of the salt dextroamphetamine sulfate is available under the brand names Dexedrine and Dextrostat, in 5 mg and 10 mg strengths, and as a capsule preparation of controlled release dextroamphetamine sulfate, under the brand names Dexedrine SR and Dexedrine Spansule, in the strengths of 5 mg, 10 mg, and 15 mg."
On the other hand, "Another pharmaceutical that contains dextroamphetamine is Adderall. The drug formulation of Adderall (both controlled and instant release forms) is:
-
- One-quarter racemic (d,l-)amphetamine aspartate monohydrate
- One-quarter dextroamphetamine saccharin
- One-quarter dextroamphetamine sulfate
- One-quarter racemic (d,l-)amphetamine sulfate
An experiment with rats suggested Adderall’s inclusion of levoamphetamine provides the pharmaceutical with a quicker onset and longer clinical effect compared to pharmaceuticals exclusively formulated of dextroamphetamine. One study has shown that although the human brain usually has a preference for dextroamphetamine over levoamphetamine, certain children have a better clinical response to levoamphetamine.
Amphetamine exists as two stereoisomers that differ in effects. The l- enantiomer (levoamphetamine) produces more cardiovascular and peripheral effects than the d- enantiomer (dextroamphetamine). At low doses, levoamphetamine produces greater arousal than dextroamphetamine, acting primarily on norepinephrine. At higher doses, dextroamphetamine has stimulant properties that are three to four times as potent as those of levoamphetamine, and acts primarily on dopamine, although few clinical studies of ADHD, have documented differences among d-, l- and racemic amphetamine."
From a Yahoo Answers response by someone who is obviously well-versed in these drugs: "Difference in effect: Adderall is prescribed in approximately twice the dosage of Dexedrine. A 10mg pill of Adderall contains 2.5mg of Dexedrine but has similar effect as 5mg of Dexedrine. Due to the 4 different salts and increased dosage needed, Adderall is more likely to give side effects than Dexedrine. These side effects include increased heart rate, blood pressure, decreased appetite, inability to sleep, muscle tightness, and head ache. Ritalin is a another story and usually falls in between the other two as far as side effects go however, many parents and patients report a withdrawn effect from Ritalin that goes beyond it just being effective. Dexedrine also slightly acts positively on serotonin and can increase mood where as Adderall can make people more moody."
Other information I came across made connotations about Dexedrine having a more negative stigma than Adderall, because it is pure dextroamphetamine. One person made a comment that dosages were actually the same (i.e. 15 mg Dexedrine is the same as 15 mg Adderall) but that doesn't seem to coincide with the fact that Adderall contains less dextroamphetamine...I'm inclined to believe Mr. Yahoo Answers up there regarding Dexedrine being needed in smaller doses. Regardless...at least I'm now a bit more informed about what I'm putting into my body. Previously all of my research had been on Focalin/Ritalin, Vyvanse, Strattera, and Adderall...I had no idea that Dexedrine existed. But it does, and it's decidedly not the same thing as any of the above drugs.
Of course one last problem remains...why would Dr. I be able to prescribe me Adderall XR (despite the shortage, because according to the interwebz all Adderall is hard to find at the mo) and have me receive the generic, which is Dextroamphetamine and therefore must actually be the generic of Dexedrine XR...but then have to prescribe me Dexedrine as an instant release? I don't know. I guess I'm just stupidly confused :-/
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 4
So, back to the subject at hand :)
After the disastrous appointment with the psychologist from here on in referred to as Dr. Shady, it literally took me weeks to decide that I was ready to try again. I still wasn't quite happy with my doctor, as immediately after that appointment we had played phone tag and there had been little to no effort on her part to explain the situation to me or help me find another psychologist. Finally, I took matters into my own hands - I called my insurance company and had them send me a list of local psychologists in my network. Thankfully, I got lucky - the first name I picked was a counselor just minutes from my house, she answered, she discussed how her office and insurance policies worked, and I was able to make an appointment for the following week. To be honest, if I'd known I could do that I would have done so from the start! But my general practitioner had in fact acted as if I'd need a referral. Hmph.
We'll call this second psychologist Dr. A. Though she seemed a bit confused as to why a possible patient was calling her directly, when I explained that I was having trouble getting my doctor's office to do the work for me she was really nice about, well, everything. I walked into my first appointment and she had me fill out the usual paperwork about mine and my immediate family's mental health history. I was very clear that I was having trouble concentrating, that I couldn't focus on anything (even hobbies I'd once found fun), and I even mentioned the one bit of decent information I'd received from Dr. Shady - my impulsive decisions and how they'd always been an issue but had lately become far worse.
So we talked about work, about the fact that I could tell my boss has been frustrated with me. We talked about my last-minute vacations and how they affected my finances and my relationship with my husband. We talked about the fact that I would obsess over a new hobby - playing the guitar, for instance, or knitting - for a few months and then drop it, never to pick it up again. We talked about anxiety and whether I had trouble sleeping, and we talked about depression and how I've never really struggled with any long-term or debilitating symptoms of it.
And at the end of our conversation, she asked me how I'd never been assessed for ADHD before.
And suddenly - finally - it felt as if I was getting somewhere.
After the disastrous appointment with the psychologist from here on in referred to as Dr. Shady, it literally took me weeks to decide that I was ready to try again. I still wasn't quite happy with my doctor, as immediately after that appointment we had played phone tag and there had been little to no effort on her part to explain the situation to me or help me find another psychologist. Finally, I took matters into my own hands - I called my insurance company and had them send me a list of local psychologists in my network. Thankfully, I got lucky - the first name I picked was a counselor just minutes from my house, she answered, she discussed how her office and insurance policies worked, and I was able to make an appointment for the following week. To be honest, if I'd known I could do that I would have done so from the start! But my general practitioner had in fact acted as if I'd need a referral. Hmph.
We'll call this second psychologist Dr. A. Though she seemed a bit confused as to why a possible patient was calling her directly, when I explained that I was having trouble getting my doctor's office to do the work for me she was really nice about, well, everything. I walked into my first appointment and she had me fill out the usual paperwork about mine and my immediate family's mental health history. I was very clear that I was having trouble concentrating, that I couldn't focus on anything (even hobbies I'd once found fun), and I even mentioned the one bit of decent information I'd received from Dr. Shady - my impulsive decisions and how they'd always been an issue but had lately become far worse.
So we talked about work, about the fact that I could tell my boss has been frustrated with me. We talked about my last-minute vacations and how they affected my finances and my relationship with my husband. We talked about the fact that I would obsess over a new hobby - playing the guitar, for instance, or knitting - for a few months and then drop it, never to pick it up again. We talked about anxiety and whether I had trouble sleeping, and we talked about depression and how I've never really struggled with any long-term or debilitating symptoms of it.
And at the end of our conversation, she asked me how I'd never been assessed for ADHD before.
And suddenly - finally - it felt as if I was getting somewhere.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Let's take a segue.
When I last wrote, I was giving another piece of my ADHD diagnosis story. Unfortunately...that portion of my story wasn't very positive. At all. Which leads me to this segue - the abuse of ADHD medication, specifically Adderall. I decided it was necessary to reflect on this issue because undoubtedly the abuse of this drug is part of the reason why it's so difficult to obtain it even when you truly need it.
Personally, I don't get why people feel that it's necessary to take Adderall recreationally. I don't mean to sound all high and mighty, but until recently I'd never tried the stuff nor had the desire to do so...though it had been offered to me numerous times over the years. I definitely have friends who took it in college to study all night for a midterm or final. I have friends who took it so that they could drive long distances without feeling sleepy. And I have friends who outright abused it - by either snorting it or simply using it to stay up and party.
Still, how is that a handful of people abusing this drug makes it so that people who truly need it have to jump through hoops and sometimes even take $1,000 tests in order to get some help? Spend an hour in a room with me when I'm not on this medication and you will know that it's something I need. In fact, the other day my husband admitted that he's known for years that I have ADHD (having had experience with it in his family and whatnot) but didn't want to insist that I get help - he knew it was a conclusion I'd have to come to (or not) in my own time.
That said, another friend of mine admitted that she also ran into that "$1,000 test/assessment" road block when trying to find out if she had ADHD...and that's just an exorbitant amount of money to toss out for an issue that may or may not be there, simply so you can get a negligible prescription that few people in their late 20s/early 30s would be stupid enough to abuse or sell.
I guess the question is...is there a way to fix this broken system? Because if you've read my first few entries, you already know the first couple of hoops I had to jump through to get a diagnosis...and I'm not even halfway done writing about the two-ish months I sloughed through to get to where I am today.
Personally, I don't get why people feel that it's necessary to take Adderall recreationally. I don't mean to sound all high and mighty, but until recently I'd never tried the stuff nor had the desire to do so...though it had been offered to me numerous times over the years. I definitely have friends who took it in college to study all night for a midterm or final. I have friends who took it so that they could drive long distances without feeling sleepy. And I have friends who outright abused it - by either snorting it or simply using it to stay up and party.
Still, how is that a handful of people abusing this drug makes it so that people who truly need it have to jump through hoops and sometimes even take $1,000 tests in order to get some help? Spend an hour in a room with me when I'm not on this medication and you will know that it's something I need. In fact, the other day my husband admitted that he's known for years that I have ADHD (having had experience with it in his family and whatnot) but didn't want to insist that I get help - he knew it was a conclusion I'd have to come to (or not) in my own time.
That said, another friend of mine admitted that she also ran into that "$1,000 test/assessment" road block when trying to find out if she had ADHD...and that's just an exorbitant amount of money to toss out for an issue that may or may not be there, simply so you can get a negligible prescription that few people in their late 20s/early 30s would be stupid enough to abuse or sell.
I guess the question is...is there a way to fix this broken system? Because if you've read my first few entries, you already know the first couple of hoops I had to jump through to get a diagnosis...and I'm not even halfway done writing about the two-ish months I sloughed through to get to where I am today.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 3
Unfortunately, my finding a psychologist to work with was far more difficult than it should have been. My doctor did refer me to at least one office, and that office contacted me without ever responding to my doctor. They insisted that I needed to make an appointment immediately because they "had an unexpected opening" and didn't know how long I'd have to wait if I didn't take it. They had my information from my doctor, so I blindly trusted them.
That was stupid.
As it turned out, this office was not in my insurance network. Or any insurance network, for that matter, which is probably why they are so underhanded about grasping at new clients. Because they had never responded to my doctor's office, she had no idea that they weren't in network. And the psychologist conveniently didn't mention this to me, either - until 55 minutes into an hour-long appointment. Oh yeah, and they made me pay $150 for this appointment before I could leave. Not to mention the fact that the psychologist I saw outright told me that I exhibited many strong symptoms of ADHD - some, like impulsive decision making, I hadn't even thought of before - but that he couldn't diagnose me without giving me a $1,000 test. Which likely wouldn't be covered by my insurance, or if it was, I'd still be looking at $400-600 out of pocket.
Obviously I don't have that kind of money for some ADHD test. Who does, nowadays?
Beyond that, he said that he really thought I would benefit from seeing a psychologist regularly, even if I had ADHD. Which is all fine and good, but not for $150 an hour! That's about an inch short of rape, in my opinion. And when I called my insurance company to put in the claim later that day, and found out that I wouldn't get a penny of that first $150 back because the practice was out of network, I cried. That's right, I'm nearly 30 years old and I cried. Because $150 isn't chump change and I'd literally just thrown it away.
I was also angry. Angry at this psychologist and the office in general, for being so underhanded. Angry with my doctor as well, until I found out that the psychologist's office had ignored her request for them to reply to her referral before contacting me.
So angry that I began to wonder if I even cared anymore that I had a problem.
So angry that I remembered my distrust of doctors in general and felt sick over the fact that I'd even bothered trying to get help.
So angry that I began having serious second thoughts about going through with this, any of it.
That was stupid.
As it turned out, this office was not in my insurance network. Or any insurance network, for that matter, which is probably why they are so underhanded about grasping at new clients. Because they had never responded to my doctor's office, she had no idea that they weren't in network. And the psychologist conveniently didn't mention this to me, either - until 55 minutes into an hour-long appointment. Oh yeah, and they made me pay $150 for this appointment before I could leave. Not to mention the fact that the psychologist I saw outright told me that I exhibited many strong symptoms of ADHD - some, like impulsive decision making, I hadn't even thought of before - but that he couldn't diagnose me without giving me a $1,000 test. Which likely wouldn't be covered by my insurance, or if it was, I'd still be looking at $400-600 out of pocket.
Obviously I don't have that kind of money for some ADHD test. Who does, nowadays?
Beyond that, he said that he really thought I would benefit from seeing a psychologist regularly, even if I had ADHD. Which is all fine and good, but not for $150 an hour! That's about an inch short of rape, in my opinion. And when I called my insurance company to put in the claim later that day, and found out that I wouldn't get a penny of that first $150 back because the practice was out of network, I cried. That's right, I'm nearly 30 years old and I cried. Because $150 isn't chump change and I'd literally just thrown it away.
I was also angry. Angry at this psychologist and the office in general, for being so underhanded. Angry with my doctor as well, until I found out that the psychologist's office had ignored her request for them to reply to her referral before contacting me.
So angry that I began to wonder if I even cared anymore that I had a problem.
So angry that I remembered my distrust of doctors in general and felt sick over the fact that I'd even bothered trying to get help.
So angry that I began having serious second thoughts about going through with this, any of it.
Friday, November 18, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 2
Things became really difficult the past 6 months or so. Obviously I've always had the same general issues, but it's different when you're working and when you're taking classes you're actually interested in. And of course there's that whole pesky matter of me never staying in the same position for more than a year. But suddenly I had a great job with a good company and three years flew by.
Once I was comfortable, that was when things changed. When I realized that I couldn't focus on tasks for more than 15 minutes. That I didn't even want to bother with hobbies I'd picked up because I knew I'd never spend enough time on them to make them worthwhile. This poison spread from my work life to my personal life like wildfire and I was unable to stop it...but I also didn't know what to do about it.
In September I decided to change doctors. I'd never liked my current physician and figured it was about time for a change. This meant going through the usual "meet and greet" where I'm charged $30 to tell the new doc that I'm perfectly healthy, thank you, I just needed a change. But then at the end of the appointment she asked, "Do you have any concerns?"
At first I opened my mouth to say "No," but then I thought, Why not say something? So I did. I told her that I'd been having trouble concentrating. That I never finished, well, anything. That it was affecting both my job and my home life in a negative manner. I didn't expect her to offer some immediate, perfect solution, but I also didn't expect her to be so questioning. Was I sure I wasn't depressed? Was I sure it wasn't an anxiety issue? I explained that I definitely wasn't depressed, and that I was pretty sure any anxiety I had stemmed from the fact that, well, I never finished anything and had been catching flak at work for not getting things done in a timely manner. Blah blah blah.
"I'm loathe to prescribe you anything," she admitted. "That's a big first step. I think you should see a psychologist." Now, I had expected that she wouldn't immediately be able to prescribe some magic medicine that would fix me, but I know people with ADHD and I was taking an educated guess that my issues stemmed from that. Still, seeing a psychologist certainly couldn't hurt, so I agreed to let her refer me...and then I sat back and waited.
Once I was comfortable, that was when things changed. When I realized that I couldn't focus on tasks for more than 15 minutes. That I didn't even want to bother with hobbies I'd picked up because I knew I'd never spend enough time on them to make them worthwhile. This poison spread from my work life to my personal life like wildfire and I was unable to stop it...but I also didn't know what to do about it.
In September I decided to change doctors. I'd never liked my current physician and figured it was about time for a change. This meant going through the usual "meet and greet" where I'm charged $30 to tell the new doc that I'm perfectly healthy, thank you, I just needed a change. But then at the end of the appointment she asked, "Do you have any concerns?"
At first I opened my mouth to say "No," but then I thought, Why not say something? So I did. I told her that I'd been having trouble concentrating. That I never finished, well, anything. That it was affecting both my job and my home life in a negative manner. I didn't expect her to offer some immediate, perfect solution, but I also didn't expect her to be so questioning. Was I sure I wasn't depressed? Was I sure it wasn't an anxiety issue? I explained that I definitely wasn't depressed, and that I was pretty sure any anxiety I had stemmed from the fact that, well, I never finished anything and had been catching flak at work for not getting things done in a timely manner. Blah blah blah.
"I'm loathe to prescribe you anything," she admitted. "That's a big first step. I think you should see a psychologist." Now, I had expected that she wouldn't immediately be able to prescribe some magic medicine that would fix me, but I know people with ADHD and I was taking an educated guess that my issues stemmed from that. Still, seeing a psychologist certainly couldn't hurt, so I agreed to let her refer me...and then I sat back and waited.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
My Diagnosis Story, Part 1
Let's get one thing straight - I've seen counselors (licensed counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists) at numerous points in my life. The first time was back in high school, at the beginning of my senior year; after that there were brief times in early 2002 (my mom insisted because of some family troubles), late 2005 (my ex-husband insisted because I wanted couples counseling and he refused), and late 2006 (oh hey, ex-husband finally actually agreed to marriage counseling! obviously it didn't go over so well). The thing is, these counselors were constantly trying to throw anti-depressants at me...even when I told them that I wasn't depressed.
And I really wasn't depressed. I've had some rough times, times when I couldn't sleep or didn't want to get out of bed or just felt heartbroken and sad. But these times always corresponded with fleeting life issues, and now that I look back I really can't understand how anyone got "you're depressed" from me saying "I feel like there are a million things going on in my head, I can't focus on any one of them...I pick up hobbies and drop them a few months later because I just don't see the point" etc. I'm not saying that statements like that should have immediately pointed to ADHD, but the fact that the only solution any of these counselors ever had was "I think you're depressed, why don't you take some medication for that?" kind of, well, bothers me. Makes me feel as if they weren't listening, after all.
Now you may ask why I saw so many different counselors over the years and never tried to return to the same one. Well, the counselor I saw in high school was in fact a school counselor, so that's self-explanatory. But after that, I moved around a lot. I never really stayed in one place long enough to build a rapport with a counselor and I will admit that that was probably part of my problem. Of course, it was also a huge part of my figuring out the solution.
But I'll get into that more, later.
And I really wasn't depressed. I've had some rough times, times when I couldn't sleep or didn't want to get out of bed or just felt heartbroken and sad. But these times always corresponded with fleeting life issues, and now that I look back I really can't understand how anyone got "you're depressed" from me saying "I feel like there are a million things going on in my head, I can't focus on any one of them...I pick up hobbies and drop them a few months later because I just don't see the point" etc. I'm not saying that statements like that should have immediately pointed to ADHD, but the fact that the only solution any of these counselors ever had was "I think you're depressed, why don't you take some medication for that?" kind of, well, bothers me. Makes me feel as if they weren't listening, after all.
Now you may ask why I saw so many different counselors over the years and never tried to return to the same one. Well, the counselor I saw in high school was in fact a school counselor, so that's self-explanatory. But after that, I moved around a lot. I never really stayed in one place long enough to build a rapport with a counselor and I will admit that that was probably part of my problem. Of course, it was also a huge part of my figuring out the solution.
But I'll get into that more, later.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The Great Adderall Shortage of 2011
Of course it's just my luck that within a month of being diagnosed with ADHD, the Adderall shortage hit my area and hit it hard. I was going to wait to talk about my medication options, and I will eventually go into more detail - but for now my issue is that my doctor can't prescribe me regular Adderall, because there is none. And Adderall XR is getting more and more difficult to find as well. Searches reveal that this shortage could last until January; I saw one that even mentioned May! What's maddening is that my sister was on Ritalin for half her life and hated it, which is why my doctor wanted me to try Adderall first...only because of this shortage I may be forced to look into other options.
The most annoying thing about this shortage is that I can't find an explanation for it. One random article had a quote from a doctor saying that it's because more people are on the drug, but I don't really think that's the case because I'll tell you this - most doctors make it a pain in the ass to get diagnosed with ADHD (and for good reason, considering the types of medication they prescribe and how many people sell and/or abuse them). Another article mentioned that it had something to do with the amount of Adderall the FDA allowed the drug companies to produce and how it simply wasn't enough, and that this shortage has been a long time coming.
I'll tell you this much - I took the steps to get diagnosed because I was seriously concerned about losing my job. A job I've held longer than any previous job. It's just a bit frustrating (note sarcasm) that as soon as I give in and go for help, help through medication basically stops being available. And I really don't care who caused it - the FDA, the drug companies, the insurance companies, or more likely a combination of all three - I just have to say: FIX IT.
Soon.
Please.
The most annoying thing about this shortage is that I can't find an explanation for it. One random article had a quote from a doctor saying that it's because more people are on the drug, but I don't really think that's the case because I'll tell you this - most doctors make it a pain in the ass to get diagnosed with ADHD (and for good reason, considering the types of medication they prescribe and how many people sell and/or abuse them). Another article mentioned that it had something to do with the amount of Adderall the FDA allowed the drug companies to produce and how it simply wasn't enough, and that this shortage has been a long time coming.
I'll tell you this much - I took the steps to get diagnosed because I was seriously concerned about losing my job. A job I've held longer than any previous job. It's just a bit frustrating (note sarcasm) that as soon as I give in and go for help, help through medication basically stops being available. And I really don't care who caused it - the FDA, the drug companies, the insurance companies, or more likely a combination of all three - I just have to say: FIX IT.
Soon.
Please.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Introduction
You don't know who I am and you probably never will...but maybe that's okay, because half the time I don't know who I am either.
I'm going to call myself Grace and I will tell you that I'm in my late 20s. I was recently - very recently - diagnosed with ADHD.
I have to say, I was as shocked as my mother was when I shared this information with her. Incredulous, even. And why not? I'm far more level-headed and settled than most of my family, which would say a lot except that even those close to me don't know how not level headed and settled I am.
This diagnosis was both frightening and relieving. Frightening because I have never taken any kind of medication outside of the usual OTC stuff and antibiotics prescribed for colds and the like. Relieving because holy crap, there is an explanation for so much of what I have never understood about myself!
Thus begins my journey - to find a balance between who I am, who I want to be, and how a combination of medication and self-control can get me there. On this blog I plan to explore my past and how this diagnosis explains some of what I've experienced and some of the decisions I've made throughout my life.
So if you're okay with not knowing who I really am, stick around. It's going to be a bumpy but exhilarating ride ;)
I'm going to call myself Grace and I will tell you that I'm in my late 20s. I was recently - very recently - diagnosed with ADHD.
I have to say, I was as shocked as my mother was when I shared this information with her. Incredulous, even. And why not? I'm far more level-headed and settled than most of my family, which would say a lot except that even those close to me don't know how not level headed and settled I am.
This diagnosis was both frightening and relieving. Frightening because I have never taken any kind of medication outside of the usual OTC stuff and antibiotics prescribed for colds and the like. Relieving because holy crap, there is an explanation for so much of what I have never understood about myself!
Thus begins my journey - to find a balance between who I am, who I want to be, and how a combination of medication and self-control can get me there. On this blog I plan to explore my past and how this diagnosis explains some of what I've experienced and some of the decisions I've made throughout my life.
So if you're okay with not knowing who I really am, stick around. It's going to be a bumpy but exhilarating ride ;)
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